Asparagus & hair cut!

Good Morning. I hope you are in fine fettle and that the sun is shining as much as it is here in Somerset. I am sat at my desk writing to you whilst poor old Nancy is sat behind me at another desk doing hard core physics revision. It’s a lonely road for the poor girl as should she come to a point that requires any sort of clarification both Mrs P and I can offer nothing less than the usefulness of the proverbial chocolate teapot! Away from physics I am delighted to report that it has been a couple of days of major milestones here at The Smokery. The first of these is that after seven months I finally found myself sat in a big comfy chair in front of a huge mirror with someone stood behind me bearing a heavy duty pair of shears with which to attack the ridiculous amount of hair that has grown in that time! The results were amazing not only could I immediately bin all hairbands but I also lost nearly a stone in weight and according to Mrs P look about a foot taller. The final relief being that at last my darling sisters, Rebecca and Clara, can stop what they consider to be comedy gold in constantly pointing out that I looked the spitting image of my much loved and missed “Mad Aunt Penny”.

The far bigger milestone and news is that THE ASPARAGUS HARVEST HAS BEGUN and to that end I am utterly delighted to tell you that from today our hugely loved and most popular box of the year THE ASPARAGUS BOX is now available to order and have delivered to whom so ever (other than yourself) deserves such a delicious treat. In case you’ve forgotten it contains: –

ASPARAGUS BOX
2 bundles of fresh Asparagus
1 Hot Smoked Duck breast
100g Smoked Salmon
200g Streaky Bacon
2 x Hot Smoked Trout Fillets
All delivered to any door of your choosing for just £35

I genuinely feel its one of the very best boxes we do and would encourage you, if you love asparagus, to try one. You can order it on the website on www.brownandforrest.co.uk or by calling myself and Amber in the office from 9am tomorrow morning on 01458 250875.

Finally, I wanted to briefly touch on something that I now understand to be something of a lockdown phenomena?! That is the purchasing of a product online that in less mad times you would never in a million years even contemplate let alone part with hard earned cash for and take delivery of. It would appear that I was struck down by this curse and far too much money later I am now the owner of something bright yellow which sole purpose is to do something that I have only ever done once (last month) in 30 years of owning the things and that is of course washing ones car?! Yes, I am now the owner of a power washer. I have no recollection of the thought process that led me to it, and indeed no recollection of actually doing it, but I did. Having now assembled the offending article Mrs P said lots of encouraging things like “well it might be useful to wash the patio with” and “if the drains ever block it will come in very useful”. In the end of course it has already proved to be brilliant for one thing and I now can’t believe I didn’t get one before simply for doing this and that of course is blasting the loons with freezing cold water! It is beyond fun and apart from getting a tiny bit carried away in seeing exactly how powerful the highest setting was and almost blowing Stanley off his feet they love it too!

So I must away as slow roast beef with piles of asparagus is my task for the rest of the day and of course trying to stop the boys seeing what happens to Bob our very old remaining guinea pig if you power wash him!

My very, very best regards,

Jess

Hair cut & Asparagus Box

Good Morning.  I hope you are in fine fettle and that the sun is shining as much as it is here in Somerset.  I am sat at my desk writing to you whilst poor old Nancy is sat behind me at another desk doing hard core physics revision.  It’s a lonely road for the poor girl as should she come to a point that requires any sort of clarification both Mrs P and I can offer nothing less than the usefulness of the proverbial chocolate teapot!  Away from physics I am delighted to report that it has been a couple of days of major milestones here at The Smokery.  The first of these is that after seven months I finally found myself sat in a big comfy chair in front of a huge mirror with someone stood behind me bearing a heavy duty pair of shears with which to attack the ridiculous amount of hair that has grown in that time!  The results were amazing not only could I immediately bin all hairbands but I also lost nearly a stone in weight and according to Mrs P look about a foot taller. The final relief being that at last my darling sisters, Rebecca and Clara, can stop what they consider to be comedy gold in constantly pointing out that I looked the spitting image of my much loved and missed “Mad Aunt Penny”.

 

The far bigger milestone and news is that THE ASPARAGUS HARVEST HAS BEGUN and to that end I am utterly delighted to tell you that from today our hugely loved and most popular box of the year THE ASPARAGUS BOX is now available to order and have delivered to whom so ever (other than yourself) deserves such a delicious treat. In case you’ve forgotten it contains: –

 

ASPARAGUS BOX

2 bundles of fresh Asparagus

1 Hot Smoked Duck breast

100g Smoked Salmon

200g Streaky Bacon

2 x Hot Smoked Trout Fillets

All delivered to any door of your choosing for just £35

 

I genuinely feel its one of the very best boxes we do and would encourage you, if you love asparagus, to try one.  You can order it on the website on www.brownandforrest.co.uk or by calling myself and Amber in the office from 9am tomorrow morning on 01458 250875.

Finally, I wanted to briefly touch on something that I now understand to be something of a lockdown phenomena?!  That is the purchasing of a product online that in less mad times you would never in a million years even contemplate let alone part with hard earned cash for and take delivery of.  It would appear that I was struck down by this curse and far too much money later I am now the owner of something bright yellow which sole purpose is to do something that I have only ever done once (last month) in 30 years of owning the things and that is of course washing ones car?!  Yes, I am now the owner of a power washer.  I have no recollection of the thought process that led me to it, and indeed no recollection of actually doing it, but I did.  Having now assembled the offending article Mrs P said lots of encouraging things like “well it might be useful to wash the patio with” and “if the drains ever block it will come in very useful”.  In the end of course it has already proved to be brilliant for one thing and I now can’t believe I didn’t get one before simply for doing this and that of course is blasting the loons with freezing cold water!  It is beyond fun and apart from getting a tiny bit carried away in seeing exactly how powerful the highest setting was and almost blowing Stanley off his feet they love it too!

 

So I must away as slow roast beef with piles of asparagus is my task for the rest of the day and of course trying to stop the boys seeing what happens to Bob our very old remaining guinea pig if you power wash him!

 

My very, very best regards,

 

Jess

Sunday Ramble – Willy Wonka & Chainsaws

Good Morning, I write to you from my kitchen table on what is a frosty but lovely morning here in Somerset.  The day started with the most exciting news … I was in a deep slumber (a state I have to admit to being jolly keen on) and found myself being shaken awake in what felt like an almost frenzied fashion.   As my consciousness began to surface the shaking appeared to grow even more intense and the words “Daddy! Daddy you’ve won! WAKE UP!”.  I began to peel my eyes open to be confronted by someone who bore a strong resemblance to Stan but who appeared to be dressed in a black top hat, a checked shirt, a green silk jacket and a large purple bow tie?!  He was waving something in my face and with a very serious tone said “Congratulations you’ve won the last golden ticket”.  The clock said 5.45am and Willy Wonka was now clambering over me to get to his mother and share the amazing news.  On that basis alone I think we can safely say that all is well and normal here at Pattisson Towers.

 

It is Sunday and that means that it is the last day of our week long FREE DELIVERY ON ALL ORDERS.  So if you have not managed to take advantage of this you only have until midnight tonight to do so.  You can order whatever you like for delivery whenever you like in the future and the delivery will be free as long as the orders are placed by the end of today.  So, whether it’s a whole baked ham for a family gathering in August, a side of salmon for September or even a Family Hamper for Christmas place the order today and delivery will be FREE.

Finally, as many of you may know I am almost famed for being the most hopeless and impractical chap imaginable so what I am about to tell you may well bring on a significant wave of anxiety.  My mother-in-law, Biddy, had been set the task of having her brothers garden cleared, over hanging trees cut down and ensuring that neighbours on all sides were happy.  So having taken a couple of soundings she asked a chap to quote for and then carry out all the work that needed doing.  He said he would need cherry pickers and chipping machines and that he would need a good slug of funds upfront.  This was all done and then she received a message saying all the work had been carried out and could she now pay the balance.  She drove down to Devon to check that everything had been done as requested to find that not even 50% of the work had been done and that everything that had been chopped down had simply been left and that that had been dumped and was now blocking a footpath!  The neighbours had informed her that there had not been a cherry picker or chipper in sight.  Biddy was a bit desperate and so I borrowed a pals chainsaw and with Edith we set off for Devon on Friday.  Mrs P waved good bye to me as if the next time she saw me I was unlikely to still be in possession of my full compliment of limbs and gave Edith a packed lunch and some basic first aid instruction.   I am delighted to say we did it and having finished and cleared everything Edie admitted to her Granny “to be honest I didn’t think he’d even be able to start it let alone know how to use it!”  From a daughter who spends most of her time being acutely embarrassed by and thinking that her father is a complete halfwit this was a compliment of the very highest order and one I will cling to for a good while .

I must away as I am apparently needed to present my golden ticket and start my tour of Mr Wonka’s chocolate factory which has been built in the garden!

I hope you have a restful Sunday and remember no job too big or small Ginger Jess from Somerset is available and comes with a chainsaw!

My very,  very best regards,

Jess

Sunday Ramble – Golfing, nails & free delivery

Good Morning from Pattisson Towers, where I am at the end of what has been a glorious week off.  A lot of cricket has been played and grass cutting carried out as well as managing to escape to play not one, but two rounds of golf.  The first of these was worryingly good by my standards and I’m glad to report that the second I reverted back to my usual form and barely hit the ball above shin height!  As in all things I then spent the next 24 hours trying to work out what exactly went wrong and came to the conclusion that it is clearly the length of my hair!  You may think this sounds like an appalling excuse for not being able to launch a small white ball into the air but the constant sniggering on ones backswing coupled with what can only be described as the sound of someone eating crisps very loudly right behind me as my long locks move back and forth over the microphones on my hearing aids makes it an almost impossible game!  At least I was spared the nightmare of one of my great mates and playing partners Bill (usually a brilliant golfer) who having drawn his enormous driver from his bag on the first tee proceeded to launch his ball about fifty feet into the air and gazed at the horizon down the middle of the fairway (as we all did).  It was quite a shock when we heard a ball land very close by and realised he had moved his ball no more than ten feet forward and twelve feet to his right.  We are a friendly bunch and have all been there so the volume and slight hysteria of the laughter that greeted this shot followed by the amount of folk that felt the need to photograph him playing his second shows what an awfully cruel sport it can be!

 

The Team have reported that it’s been a slightly gentler week at the smoke following the wonderful madness of getting all the Easter orders away last week.  The April Box has already proved jolly popular and is available for delivery to any door of your choosing.  As of tomorrow we appear to be taking another huge stride back towards our previous lives with the opening of hostelries and restaurants and our freedom to go and actually drink a pint poured by someone else albeit with four layers of clothing and a woolly hat on.  To mark and celebrate this I have decided to offer FREE DELIVERY ALL WEEK from now until close of play next Sunday. You don’t have to have delivery this week you just have to place your order and even if you don’t want it delivered until August it will still be free as long as you place the order this week.

 

Finally, I thought I would share with you one of the bizarre behavioural cross overs I have observed this week between the kingdom of animals and male children under the age of 10.  It appears that one of the most traumatic events that can befall either species is that of having their nails cut.  Olive our 3 year old lurcher (with far too much Labrador in her) literally starts to shake as soon as she sees the instruments of torture.  Bertie simply appears to disappear from the postcode district without trace.   With a significant amount of planning and whispered codes passed between Mrs P and I both were carried out in quick succession yesterday afternoon.  It took no less than three of us to do Olive, who is still not speaking to me as it’s always me that has to wield the clippers.  Bertie had to have most of his cricket kit removed with the threat of forever over him before he finally yielded.  I can happily report that both still have the correct amount of fingers and feet and the blood spilt won’t be missed by either!

 

I hope you have a relaxed rest of Sunday and are able to make the most of the FREE DELIVERY this week.

 

My very, very best regards,

 

Jess