Sunday ramble – staff outing & July box

Good morning from a rather damp Somerset.  I’m afraid I have to confess that although I love all sport football and I have never been natural bed fellows.  I think it probably stems back to being absolutely hopeless at it from the word go and moving onto the other shaped ball as soon as I could.  Grown men rolling around on the floor as if they have been shot and simultaneously had their leg broken in three places when no one has gone within five yards of them may also have something to do with my apathy for the game?!  HOWEVER, we did watch the second half last night and it was brilliant and although I am now already nervous about the next instalment on Wednesday it is wonderful to finally have something to really cheer about.

It is July and that means I have a new box for you!  This month we have based it on the favourite products of the loons Mrs P and me.  As you might expect they are all different but when looked at as a collection we thought they were a perfect mix to make up the July Box.  It will contain: –


200g Cold Smoked Salmon = Mrs P

4x Pork & Parsnip Sausages = Stan (although he’d rather there were 8!)

2x Hot Smoked Trout Fillets = Nancy

2x Hot Smoked Chicken Breasts = Bertie

100g Mackerel Pate = Edie

From me I thought I would give you a gift that hopefully you find useful and that is a magnetic bottle opener that sticks to your fridge.  I’m sorry if you think this sounds a bit tacky and possibly even gimmicky and I have to admit to agreeing with you until I saw them and indeed realised quite how many man hours are lost looking for a bottle opener – I hope you find it useful.  This will all be delivered to a door of your choosing for £35 and is available now.  I hope you enjoy the family Pattisson collection.

Finally, I have a rather shocking confession to make and that is that on Friday I was the owner of possibly the worse hangover I have had for a jolly good few years!  The cause of this was our first staff outing and night out for nearly three years.  My amazing crew have worked so incredibly hard for so long with no opportunity to kick back and dare I say let their hair down.  So on Thursday night we did just that for drinks and supper at our local hostelry.  It got suitably out of hand and was the latest I’d been to bed in a decade.  I had at least had the foresight to suggest I would “work from home “ on Friday and it’s a jolly good job that I did.  Of course the rest of the crew assure me they felt perfectly fine and that it must be my age – which of course it is!

I must away as there is cricket to get Bertie to and breakfast to make.  I hope you have a restful Sunday.

My very, very best regards,


June box, mother in laws & nail painting!

Good morning, it is just after 7am and I am sat at my desk looking across the fields to the hills in the distance.  I think the best way to describe them this morning would be Tolkienesque.  The greens are dark, the sky is blue grey, it’s a tiny bit misty and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if a Hobbit, two dwarves and an elf suddenly appeared!  I am this morning under quite a lot of pressure as we have a lot of salmon in the cold smokers which needs looking after I have to get Bertie to a cricket match 40 minutes away by 9.00am and we have Mrs Ps parents – Paul and Biddy coming for lunch at 12.30pm!  It could be a tad awkward to start with upon their arrival as when I returned from work yesterday evening I found the kitchen table full of what can only be described as tat! Bertie had what the loons call a ‘Granny Day’ yesterday which they all adore and it was his turn.  However it appears Biddy thought it would be highly amusing to pop into a charity shop with him and let him go mad.  I have never seen quite so much plastic rubbish and broken cameras in one place and to top it all it would appear that most of it requires batteries and will undoubtedly make horrendous noises when they have them!   I have no idea what the lunchtime seating plan will be (Nancy’s responsibility) but if I am next to my darling Mother in law things might be a tad frosty!


It is the last day today for our special offers on our Whole Baked Ham and Sliced Side of Smoked Salmon until midnight tonight they are £35 delivered so if you think you might like one in the near or indeed distant future then order them today and you will get a significant saving.  We are also in the first week of June and that of course means its time for us to launch our JUNE BOX we have tried to provide a mix of all things useful for alfresco eating and BBQs and introduce you to our vertical cut smoked salmon. It’s a very different cut to the usual very thinly sliced salmon we offer and I think its fab.



150g Smoked Salmon

4 x Pork and Cider Sausages

100g Cold Smoked Trout

5 slices of Air Cured Parma Type Ham

2 Hot Smoked Salmon Steaks

1x block of Smoked Halloumi Cheese


All delivered to a door of your choosing for just £35


Finally, before I go and deal with the salmon smokers I thought you might enjoy something rather more than I did last night.  Edie (12) was sat opposite me as we had our supper and I suddenly noticed the most violent attack on my optical senses.  She appeared to have luminous pink paint at the end of her fingers?  On not even close inspection it was clear that she had not only painted her nails but that her choice of colour was quite a long way from her fathers liking.  Not being in the finest mood on account of her brothers previously mentioned charity shop haul I pointed out in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t happy and “what did she think she looked like”.  I may possibly have said something along the lines of “getting that muck off her fingers and she had better not have  spilt it anywhere”.  Her Mother whom I looked to for support at this moment appeared to be having some sort of seizure as tears were streaming down her face and a noise in line with hysterical laughter was all she could make?!   Edith’s defence was that it was her friend Emma’s fault as they had done it at her house I said something along the lines of I doubt her folks were too pleased to which she admitted that Emma had only done her toes for that very reason!  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again Emma has always struck me as jolly bright and sensible girl!


I must away but hope you have a lovely Sunday maybe a tad lazier than mine.


My very, very best regards,



Mrs P’s hair & golfing

Good morning, by the time you get this I will hopefully be a third of the way round the golf course having the round of my life.  I have little doubt however that the reality will be that I am standing on the 6th Tee wondering if it is actually possible to get any wetter and when and how I phrase the question to my partner Ian as to how many spare balls he has as I have already lost 5 and only have 3 left!   The glorious Mrs P has given me a pass to abandon her and the loons today and play the game I am appalling at but love.  Hence I am writing this to you this morning in the company of Stan, as he is the only one awake, whilst the rest are still snoring overhead.


It’s been a busy week at The Smokery with the Asparagus Box and Whole Hams proving to be hugely popular.  I do however have to admit to possibly missing a trick as if we had been selling umbrellas this week I think retirement might have been beckoning by now!  One of the lovely things this week is the genuine uplift we have heard in peoples voices and spirits as they place orders for family gatherings next weekend.  So many folk preparing to see people they haven’t seen, let alone hugged, for over a year and doing it surrounded by all sorts of delicious food and drink.  We are among them ourselves as at the end of this month my folks are coming to stay for half term which is beyond exciting and we can’t wait.  Our food is perfect for all those alfresco reunions and indeed for the indoor ones too.  So whether it’s a Whole Ham, a Hot Smoked Side of Salmon, the whole selection of our pates or just some Potted Shrimps as a starter you can order all of them on the website at or call Amber in the office on 01458 250875.


Finally, I thought I would share the news that after seven months Mrs P finally managed to get an appointment to have her hair taken in hand yesterday morning.  Being a girl in possession of the most amazing curls, the like of which on occasion resemble bed springs, the longer it has got the more exciting it has become!  So whilst the loons and I dropped Nancy at the smokery for her days work and we walked the dog Charlie set off for Yeovil and hair redemption.  Unbeknown to her I may have accidently taken the odd photo of her hair and its management over the last few weeks as well as the glorious vision that returned to us yesterday.  I’m clearly a lucky chap and as nearly all my so called friends have told me many, many times over the years am “punching above my weight”.  Be that as it may I feel it is my civic duty to share these photos with you.  It may well now be becoming clear that me being on a golf course and uncontactable when you, and indeed she, reads this missive this morning is not entirely coincidental or indeed accidental.  On that basis if it turns out that I have entirely misjudged Mrs Ps mood and sense of humour this may well be the last you ever hear from me!


I must away as early morning tea needs delivering and my escape to the first tee needs to be made!


I hope you have a lovely restful Sunday and wonderful reunions you may have planned over the next week.


My very, very best regards,



Seb’s dream purchase & Harry Potter

Good Morning, I hope you are in good order and were not washed or blown away yesterday?  Thankfully one of our crew is now equipped with the perfect vehicle for such weather it even has a snorkel which protrudes from its midriff!  It turns out that since, the now 6ft plenty, Seb was a wee boy he has had a poster of a Land Rover Defender on his wall.  For me it was Ian Botham and Seve Ballesteros but each to their own and anyone unfortunate enough to have seen me drive will know that the combustion engine, how it works and what shell with four wheels it propels is a conversational topic that for me is only useful as a guaranteed cure for insomnia!  However, when Seb arrived at work this week literally bouncing with excitement and a smile “the size of Saturn”, to quote Anya – a friend of Nancy’s, we had to follow him out to the carpark to see what the cause of his joy was.  The answer was that after a huge amount of saving and searching he is now the owner of his very own 1996 Land Rover Defender.  It appears that dreams do come true, although, just for the record I never played cricket for England or won the Open Championship!


It’s been a wonderfully busy week here at The Smokery with the Asparagus Box proving to be as popular as ever.  I adore asparagus and although its been a hugely hard start to the season for the growers with all the relentless frosts and cold it has been worth the wait as the asparagus is sublime.  We deliver 2 bunches of it along with Smoked Salmon, Smoked Duck, Trout Fillets and Streaky Bacon to any door of your choosing for just £35.  Our Whole Baked Ham is also proving hugely popular which is on special offer of £35 delivered which is a saving of £12!  So on the basis that the sun has to come out and it has to warm up eventually why not treat yourself or one of your pals to one of the above.


Finally as you may remember we finished reading the final Harry Potter book to the boys last week.  Once over the trauma of it all the ‘What to read next?’ conundrum very quickly arose.  The decision was The Chronicles of Narnia and already I have been cast in the role of Nikabrik, an evil Ice Queen worshiping dwarf.  Poor old Mrs P the role of  the cruel and evil Ice Queen, harsh casting but just between us there are a couple of similarities!  The boys have shown no shame at all in Bertie taking the role of “Peter, The Magnificent” and Stan the slightly lesser role of “Edmund, The Just”!?  Dog walks maybe quite an ordeal for the next few weeks as Stan is insisting on maintaining his role at all times and we had to prevent both boys attacking a poor unsuspecting citizen tending their allotment from being attacked and murdered for apparently plotting to kill Aslan the Lion, after a few mumbled apologies and an offer of some delicious asparagus and salmon I am quietly confident that a charge of assault against my sons has been averted?


I must away as there is Pork to roast and what looks like being the coldest cricket match in Christendom to get Bertie delivered to.

I hope you have a restful Sunday.


My very, very best regards,



Sunday ramble – cricket & desk assembly

Good Morning, I write to you beyond early his morning whilst I hope you are still in the Land of Nod.  The reason for this is that Bertie has his first ever ‘proper cricket match’ later and he and his teammates have to report at Chard CC at 9.30am to play against them in the cup.  After much ‘umming’ and ‘ahhring’ and slightly against his father’s wishes he was presented with his first ever cricket whites last night which he then promptly slept in such was his apparent joy!  His father was roundly demonised and almost reported for child cruelty when he suggested that he had played his first ever games in shorts and then grey school trousers and why couldn’t Bert do the same?  I don’t know who his father was to suggest such a terrible thing but he was left in no doubt at all that apparently times have moved on in the last 40 years and making children stick out like sore thumbs in front of their mates is no longer good character building stuff but is basically abuse!


I appreciate that the impending weather forecast for many of us later today and tomorrow is apparently one of doom and Armageddon BUT it is May and so we must be positive that glorious summer weather will be with us imminently and to that end I have decided to put our stunning Whole Baked Hams on special offer for the whole of this month to help with the ingredients of all those picnics and light suppers of ham, egg and chips that we resort to so often at this time of year.  It is 1.5kg ham and will be delivered to any door of your choosing for £35 which is a saving of £12.  Alongside this our Asparagus Box will be available all the way until the end of the asparagus season it is a brilliant gift to anyone who deserves it or indeed to yourself and I highly recommend it.  It contains: –

2 x Bundles of Asparagus

2 x Hot Smoked Trout Fillets

200g Streaky Bacon

100g Smoked Salmon

1 x Whole Hot Smoked Duck Breast

All delivered for just £35


Nancy decided this week that she wanted her bedroom to feel more snug and homely as due to the ever increasing amount of homework she spends so much more time in there poor thing.  So she enlisted the help of Edith her sister, who reorganises her room almost on a weekly basis, and they set about it with I have to admit a good deal of success! She chose a new desk with her mother which was delivered yesterday in about five huge boxes and according to the instructions should take “two practical people three hours to assemble”.  Mrs P looked at me brightly and said well with the weather forecast as it is we can do it all day on Monday!  Edith who adores what I used to call woodwork and is now called Design Technology has announced that she is in charge and “don’t worry Daddy it won’t take long at all!”.  Meanwhile Stanley has gathered together a good deal of the polystyrene and cardboard and built Hogwarts School and a quidditch pitch which takes up the entire kitchen floor.  I appear to have no escape and if we are still a family of six by Tuesday morning I will have achieved a thing of greatness!


I hope you have a good deal more restful bank holiday weekend than me and that somehow we all live to tell the tale!


My very, very best regards,



Asparagus & hair cut!

Good Morning. I hope you are in fine fettle and that the sun is shining as much as it is here in Somerset. I am sat at my desk writing to you whilst poor old Nancy is sat behind me at another desk doing hard core physics revision. It’s a lonely road for the poor girl as should she come to a point that requires any sort of clarification both Mrs P and I can offer nothing less than the usefulness of the proverbial chocolate teapot! Away from physics I am delighted to report that it has been a couple of days of major milestones here at The Smokery. The first of these is that after seven months I finally found myself sat in a big comfy chair in front of a huge mirror with someone stood behind me bearing a heavy duty pair of shears with which to attack the ridiculous amount of hair that has grown in that time! The results were amazing not only could I immediately bin all hairbands but I also lost nearly a stone in weight and according to Mrs P look about a foot taller. The final relief being that at last my darling sisters, Rebecca and Clara, can stop what they consider to be comedy gold in constantly pointing out that I looked the spitting image of my much loved and missed “Mad Aunt Penny”.

The far bigger milestone and news is that THE ASPARAGUS HARVEST HAS BEGUN and to that end I am utterly delighted to tell you that from today our hugely loved and most popular box of the year THE ASPARAGUS BOX is now available to order and have delivered to whom so ever (other than yourself) deserves such a delicious treat. In case you’ve forgotten it contains: –

2 bundles of fresh Asparagus
1 Hot Smoked Duck breast
100g Smoked Salmon
200g Streaky Bacon
2 x Hot Smoked Trout Fillets
All delivered to any door of your choosing for just £35

I genuinely feel its one of the very best boxes we do and would encourage you, if you love asparagus, to try one. You can order it on the website on or by calling myself and Amber in the office from 9am tomorrow morning on 01458 250875.

Finally, I wanted to briefly touch on something that I now understand to be something of a lockdown phenomena?! That is the purchasing of a product online that in less mad times you would never in a million years even contemplate let alone part with hard earned cash for and take delivery of. It would appear that I was struck down by this curse and far too much money later I am now the owner of something bright yellow which sole purpose is to do something that I have only ever done once (last month) in 30 years of owning the things and that is of course washing ones car?! Yes, I am now the owner of a power washer. I have no recollection of the thought process that led me to it, and indeed no recollection of actually doing it, but I did. Having now assembled the offending article Mrs P said lots of encouraging things like “well it might be useful to wash the patio with” and “if the drains ever block it will come in very useful”. In the end of course it has already proved to be brilliant for one thing and I now can’t believe I didn’t get one before simply for doing this and that of course is blasting the loons with freezing cold water! It is beyond fun and apart from getting a tiny bit carried away in seeing exactly how powerful the highest setting was and almost blowing Stanley off his feet they love it too!

So I must away as slow roast beef with piles of asparagus is my task for the rest of the day and of course trying to stop the boys seeing what happens to Bob our very old remaining guinea pig if you power wash him!

My very, very best regards,


Sunday Ramble – Willy Wonka & Chainsaws

Good Morning, I write to you from my kitchen table on what is a frosty but lovely morning here in Somerset.  The day started with the most exciting news … I was in a deep slumber (a state I have to admit to being jolly keen on) and found myself being shaken awake in what felt like an almost frenzied fashion.   As my consciousness began to surface the shaking appeared to grow even more intense and the words “Daddy! Daddy you’ve won! WAKE UP!”.  I began to peel my eyes open to be confronted by someone who bore a strong resemblance to Stan but who appeared to be dressed in a black top hat, a checked shirt, a green silk jacket and a large purple bow tie?!  He was waving something in my face and with a very serious tone said “Congratulations you’ve won the last golden ticket”.  The clock said 5.45am and Willy Wonka was now clambering over me to get to his mother and share the amazing news.  On that basis alone I think we can safely say that all is well and normal here at Pattisson Towers.


It is Sunday and that means that it is the last day of our week long FREE DELIVERY ON ALL ORDERS.  So if you have not managed to take advantage of this you only have until midnight tonight to do so.  You can order whatever you like for delivery whenever you like in the future and the delivery will be free as long as the orders are placed by the end of today.  So, whether it’s a whole baked ham for a family gathering in August, a side of salmon for September or even a Family Hamper for Christmas place the order today and delivery will be FREE.

Finally, as many of you may know I am almost famed for being the most hopeless and impractical chap imaginable so what I am about to tell you may well bring on a significant wave of anxiety.  My mother-in-law, Biddy, had been set the task of having her brothers garden cleared, over hanging trees cut down and ensuring that neighbours on all sides were happy.  So having taken a couple of soundings she asked a chap to quote for and then carry out all the work that needed doing.  He said he would need cherry pickers and chipping machines and that he would need a good slug of funds upfront.  This was all done and then she received a message saying all the work had been carried out and could she now pay the balance.  She drove down to Devon to check that everything had been done as requested to find that not even 50% of the work had been done and that everything that had been chopped down had simply been left and that that had been dumped and was now blocking a footpath!  The neighbours had informed her that there had not been a cherry picker or chipper in sight.  Biddy was a bit desperate and so I borrowed a pals chainsaw and with Edith we set off for Devon on Friday.  Mrs P waved good bye to me as if the next time she saw me I was unlikely to still be in possession of my full compliment of limbs and gave Edith a packed lunch and some basic first aid instruction.   I am delighted to say we did it and having finished and cleared everything Edie admitted to her Granny “to be honest I didn’t think he’d even be able to start it let alone know how to use it!”  From a daughter who spends most of her time being acutely embarrassed by and thinking that her father is a complete halfwit this was a compliment of the very highest order and one I will cling to for a good while .

I must away as I am apparently needed to present my golden ticket and start my tour of Mr Wonka’s chocolate factory which has been built in the garden!

I hope you have a restful Sunday and remember no job too big or small Ginger Jess from Somerset is available and comes with a chainsaw!

My very,  very best regards,


Sunday Ramble – Golfing, nails & free delivery

Good Morning from Pattisson Towers, where I am at the end of what has been a glorious week off.  A lot of cricket has been played and grass cutting carried out as well as managing to escape to play not one, but two rounds of golf.  The first of these was worryingly good by my standards and I’m glad to report that the second I reverted back to my usual form and barely hit the ball above shin height!  As in all things I then spent the next 24 hours trying to work out what exactly went wrong and came to the conclusion that it is clearly the length of my hair!  You may think this sounds like an appalling excuse for not being able to launch a small white ball into the air but the constant sniggering on ones backswing coupled with what can only be described as the sound of someone eating crisps very loudly right behind me as my long locks move back and forth over the microphones on my hearing aids makes it an almost impossible game!  At least I was spared the nightmare of one of my great mates and playing partners Bill (usually a brilliant golfer) who having drawn his enormous driver from his bag on the first tee proceeded to launch his ball about fifty feet into the air and gazed at the horizon down the middle of the fairway (as we all did).  It was quite a shock when we heard a ball land very close by and realised he had moved his ball no more than ten feet forward and twelve feet to his right.  We are a friendly bunch and have all been there so the volume and slight hysteria of the laughter that greeted this shot followed by the amount of folk that felt the need to photograph him playing his second shows what an awfully cruel sport it can be!


The Team have reported that it’s been a slightly gentler week at the smoke following the wonderful madness of getting all the Easter orders away last week.  The April Box has already proved jolly popular and is available for delivery to any door of your choosing.  As of tomorrow we appear to be taking another huge stride back towards our previous lives with the opening of hostelries and restaurants and our freedom to go and actually drink a pint poured by someone else albeit with four layers of clothing and a woolly hat on.  To mark and celebrate this I have decided to offer FREE DELIVERY ALL WEEK from now until close of play next Sunday. You don’t have to have delivery this week you just have to place your order and even if you don’t want it delivered until August it will still be free as long as you place the order this week.


Finally, I thought I would share with you one of the bizarre behavioural cross overs I have observed this week between the kingdom of animals and male children under the age of 10.  It appears that one of the most traumatic events that can befall either species is that of having their nails cut.  Olive our 3 year old lurcher (with far too much Labrador in her) literally starts to shake as soon as she sees the instruments of torture.  Bertie simply appears to disappear from the postcode district without trace.   With a significant amount of planning and whispered codes passed between Mrs P and I both were carried out in quick succession yesterday afternoon.  It took no less than three of us to do Olive, who is still not speaking to me as it’s always me that has to wield the clippers.  Bertie had to have most of his cricket kit removed with the threat of forever over him before he finally yielded.  I can happily report that both still have the correct amount of fingers and feet and the blood spilt won’t be missed by either!


I hope you have a relaxed rest of Sunday and are able to make the most of the FREE DELIVERY this week.


My very, very best regards,



Sunday ramble – caps, Easter orders & thank you!

Good Morning from a jolly blustery Smokery.  I write to you this morning through the pain of a significant head injury.  As with most injuries that I pick up there is a direct connection with one of the ‘loons’ in this instance it is Stan(6) who, as is his way at present, decided that he and I ought to swap beds at somewhere just North of midnight.  The crucial part of this exercise is to not wake his mother up as a whole world of misery lies down that road.  Having accomplished this and squeezed myself onto his bed and then removed the obligatory four books, one Rainbow Barbie doll, a cricket bat and finally a wand which were all attacking different bits of my anatomy I settled down back to sleep.  It was upon waking that I was dealt the near fatal blows. As is my way I threw my covers back and leapt like a salmon from the bed.  The blows came almost instantly one after another the first on the top of my head and the second just above my eye as I recoiled from the first and I was rendered blind and practically unconscious.  As with all really deep sleep one forgets where one is and in this case I had forgotten that Stan sleeps on a bottom bunk!  After some appalling language and having resisted killing Bertie who was sat on the top bunk genuinely crying with laughter I retreated to make the morning tea for Mrs P.  I am as a result not in the best of moods as the sympathy has been non existent and the inability of anyone to stop laughing is just too much!


I also have a great deal to do here today as with only three days to send all the orders for next Sundays Easter feastings I have duck to slice, sausages to roast, salmon to cure and pate to make!  The orders have been coming in thick and fast although it does appear that folk are genuinely horror struck when the penny finally drops that it really really is Easter a week today and that Wednesday is the last day that we can send anything in order to ensure it arrives with you and your friends in time for Easter.  We are still taking orders and have pretty much most things still available.  The only day available for delivery now is Thursday the 1st  so if you would like to send a gift to anyone or need some goodies for your own Easter weekend menus you really need to get them ordered in the next 24 hours!  Either online at or call the office from 9am tomorrow morning and speak to Amber or Steph on 01458 250875.


Finally, as many of you may have gathered by now I can be a creature that gets rather odd bees my bonnet about certain subjects and have been known to become a tad entrenched about such things?!  One such thing has been a long established one and it Is that of branded clothing of any kind I simply cannot bear.  I have resisted the crew’s almost constant pleas for polo shirts, caps, sweatshirts and the latest request heated gilets with Brown & Forrest emblazoned across them.  It now appears that Tim and Will decided to take the law into their own hands and unbeknownst to me or anyone set about disobeying me and on Wednesday this week presented me with two personalised Brown & Forrest Caps one of Grey and one of Pink (my go to colour).  Try as I might I could not stop my face betraying how utterly delighted I was with them.  The grey one is now my work one and the very special pink one will be my golf hat when I am allowed to swing a club again!  I fear having “given in and been proved wrong” in their minds it won’t be long before we are branded from our wellies to our pants via of course a heated gilet!


I must away as I have been told that being home before 6pm this evening is a pre requisite to remaining happily married?  I also thought I would just mention that today marks a year since I wrote my very first ramble, it is quite simply beyond comprehension what has happened in that year not just to Mrs P ‘The Loons’ and I but to all of us.  What started as a way of trying to cheer myself up as impending doom looked to be going to strike down our tiny business somehow became a vital part of its salvation.  So, I would like to simply say THANK YOU to you for reading, and it would appear occasionally enjoying, my mad missives and of course the odd morsel of our food.  There is simply no doubt that we are still here because you did and do.


My very, very best regards,



Sunday ramble, Easter orders, cobwebs & hair bands!

As I write to you this morning from the kitchen table of Pattisson Towers four things appear to be occupying my as ever over full and inadequate brain.  The first of these, and probably the only one of any real importance, is that believe it or not two weeks today is Easter Sunday and from a mail order smoked food perspective this means that in reality you only have one week left to order what you need.  The second is that being an arachnophobe is a genuine nightmare when your halfwit of a boss asks you to de-cobweb an entire building.  The third is the fun I get watching folk don the scarlet rugby jersey of Wales and pop a leek in the lapel when their only apparent connection with the country is that their maternal Grandfather once spent a week camping there in the 1970’s!  The final one is how one should react when ones wife presents you with a gift of three luminous head bands with the words “these might help a bit”.  The unmentionable virus has it would seem destroyed romance as well as a good many other things!


I’m afraid it really is Easter Sunday two weeks today and that if you have not already placed your orders for gifts to family, folk who need treat or indeed your own requirements for the feastings of Easter Weekend you really do only have one week left to do so in order to ensure it arrives in time.  We may manage to carry on taking orders through until next Monday but at the moment it is highly likely we will have to stop before that as with Easter week the way it is and the Bank holiday on Good Friday we can only send your parcels out on the Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and there is a limit to how many we can physically pack and despatch each day!  So whether you would like a March Box for Great Aunt Eddie, a Supper Box for your parents, a Whole Ham for your daughter or a side of salmon for your own table simply go online and order at or call and speak to Steph and I in the office from 9am tomorrow morning on 01458 250875.


As a chap who is pretty much scared of most things it was rather a surprise when I suggested to Seb (18 years old 6ft 3in) on Friday afternoon that he and I would spend it attacking the cobwebs that had become more than a tad embarrassing in number through the old restaurant and shop.  He went a bit pink and ever so gently suggested he wasn’t great with spiders to which I yielded and said I’d go up the ladder and he could hold the hoover and the ladder.  We were progressing well until I, at my highest point from the ground, thought it would be amusing to drop my large cobweb gatherer (we had given up with the hoover) somewhere in Sebs direction and mention something along the lines of “look at the size of that one!” The ladder shot sideways and a scream of significant volume shattered the silence and by the time I had managed to reintroduce myself to the ladder that was preventing me from a 10 ft drop Seb was nowhere to be seen.  Within five minutes he was back but accompanied by Steph, Andrea and Tyna who old made it perfectly clear that I always went just a bit too far!  It’s funny how the same sentences one can recall from the age of five through an entire school career to student days, married life and to my shame even now appear to be on constant repeat!  I apologized profusely and was put further in the dog house when I returned home and told my sorry tale to which my trio of girls said it would serve me right if I was convicted of work place bullying!  So there we have it – basically a week of shame for me made even worse by the fact that my lockdown locks are now so long that as previously mentioned Mrs P has taken significant action and given me luminous head bands to keep them out of my eyes!


I wish you a restful rest of day and remember some folk who suggest “they are not too good with spiders” actually mean they are terrified and risking their boss breaking both legs falling from a ladder is one they may have to take.


My very, very best regards,


Jess 01458 250875